In contrast, ever day, humble, man-of-the-people John McCain never demands specialty food, content to gnaw on a pile of quarry rocks or snack on an old shoelace covered in uric acid.

Once, when food ran low on his Straight Talk Express Bus, Senator McCain allowed the traveling press corps to dine on lobster and steak while he suffered through a pile of rags... but ONLY, he insisted, after all the "uppity" had been COMPLETELY rung out of them.

"My motto is, 'Don't worry about me. I'll just eat whatever I find under the couch,'" said the always laid-back McCain as he dined on dead spider and dust salad.

In the end, the McCain camp believes they've hit a chord with the American people. "Voters don't care about the war or health care or poverty," said one RNC spokesperson. "They care about orange juice and salad types amd breakfast bars! Trust us, when we expose his trail mix preferences... the Democrats are going to wish like hell they'd nominated Hillary Clinton like we told them to!"